My books got here last Monday and there’s much happiness and excitement surrounding them. I really should have blogged last week so that the joy of receiving my books wouldn’t be dampened by the events of this week… ‘cos today I really just need to rant. I think I have bottled so much up and can’t really find anyone to talk to. It’s always that same problem, isn’t it? Everyone has their problems and I don’t want to add to theirs or make it seem like mine is worse. I know it’s such a self-centred way of thinking because truth is, people are often more willing to hear me out than I gave them credit for. I guess I’m just not in a very good place right now.
Writing has saved me many times, and as I write this, I cannot deny that it still does. It’s such a relief to see my thoughts, feelings, everything on paper/screen/napkin and realise I’m not going mad. Time and again, the past has shown me that this will pass. I just need to trust the process. I need to get it out.
On Saturday, a fellow teacher-volunteer shared with me that she was leaving her job… to “do her thing”. She talked about all the things she wanted to do when she finally had time and I was really happy for her. I warned her about the potential feelings of inadequacy and the loss of identity, and she was glad to hear about this rarely-talked-about side of quitting your job and being on your own. She thanked me and asked how I did it. After the conversation, I sat there thinking about how I didn’t really have anyone to talk to when I first left my job to “do my thing”. I couldn’t talk to stay-home moms (hey, looking after a kid is more than a full-time job). I couldn’t talk to real entreprenuers because… um, they have real businesses while I’m just writing a book. I know I know, it’s a self-esteem issue. But those feelings of inadequacy are real, and many times, the fear just eats me up. To those in full-time jobs, I was living a dream. They envied me. But I felt so lost most of the time, I didn’t know if what I was doing was correct and how I should be managing all these negative feelings. In turn, I envied them for their regular paychecks and paid medical consultations. “But you had those and you left them behind to pursue THIS, why are you looking back?!” my mind would shout at me.
I’ve actually got over those feelings and I’ve been really content and happy for a long while now. But I think some of those feelings and negativity are being re-visited this week. I’m emotional, I think the book I wrote is rubbish, and I’m so, so tired.
The tummyache started last Thursday after I wolfed down three-quarters of a bag of chips. (It probably sounds like a bad idea to you but I do it all the time and, no problem.) The pain continued on until Sunday, with diarrhoea and lots of gas each day. It was not pleasant. The ache became less severe by Monday, and that made me happy, but by night-time, I developed a sore throat. I started feeling the first twinge of anger. First, stomach gas pains and now, this itchy pain in my throat? Instead of sleeping, I stayed up guzzling water and sucking on lozenges. I was bent on getting rid of the pain. I slept in the next morning and felt better when I woke up. I was looking forward to getting some work done and did manage to until I had to stop because I was getting a bad headache. I then also realised it was the time of the month. I was getting some mild cramps in the abdomen and I knew I shouldn’t push my body further so I headed to bed earlier than I had planned. On Wednesday, when I woke up, I got ready to work but the cramps became severe and I had to lay in bed. I also postponed an appointment I had that afternoon. By late afternoon, the cramps were so bad and the pain unbearable I popped panadol. I woke up today with mild cramps and after trying to make lunch for myself without bending over in pain, my husband sent me to bed with pillows and a book. The pain eventually subsided in the late afternoon and I could finally sit at my computer to do some work and also, write this. During certain moments throughout this past week while I lay in bed wishing the pain away, I wondered about people who live with pain every day of their lives. How do they manage the pain and their emotions? I have various pains for just a week, and it’s driving me insane. I haven’t been able to get much work done, I can’t go out of the house, I can’t do anything except lie in bed (and check emails on my phone). There is a full-day workshop tomorrow which I had signed up for and was very much looking forward to, but I’m so beaten that I don’t feel like going for it. What is wrong with me?
Perhaps it was that phone call I had this afternoon, where the girl informed me that if I were an organisation, the company would likely have no problems sponsoring their products for the book launch. But since this was a “personal book launch, if you don’t mind me saying” (her exact words), she will have to check with her team.
I’m a nobody. Thanks for the reminder.
I know I’m taking it the wrong way, I’m just tired. Let me be, for now.