I’m back from our honeymoon for almost a week now. It’s back to work and everything we’re familiar with.
I’ve informed the company of my intention to resign. There was a whole plot twist there, which I’ll describe more in another post.
We’re also busy with getting the house ready so that we can move in.
October is a week away. Time seems to have slipped out of my grasp. Is it work? Is it my ill-discipline? Or is it simply that time cannot and should not be controlled?
I’m exhausted. Many days I wake up and feel that all the rushing and working seem meaningless.
Earlier this year, my concept of time was challenged. I have always viewed time as linear. I’m sure many people have the same perspective as me. It’s why there’s a thing called the timeline, right?
But I found out that some people don’t view time like this and thus manage their time and consequently their money in a way that is very different from me. Money is a different ball game here, so let’s get back to time. Since I view time as linear, I have unknowingly created a timeline in my head. I say unknowingly, because prior to this, I have never tried explaining my concept of time before. This conversation certainly made me more aware of my thought processes. So on this mental timeline, there are yet-to-happen events placed at certain points in the future. I like knowing when things are going to happen so I can prepare for them. And this works when I’m single and can make plans independent of others. But it doesn’t work so well when I’m going to get married and the person I’m marrying does not view time in the same way.
We’re both learning to adapt to each other’s way of living life and that’s again another topic for another day. For now, I ponder over my need to have every single second count for something. Is it simply due to my linear perspective of time? Or maybe it’s impatience and pride and self-importance?
When I start to consider the other perspective of time, where events occur in relation instead of in time, I realise that it takes things out of my control. I’m not used to that. I very much prefer things to be within my control. But realistically speaking, how much of things are actually within my control?
Maybe I need to take a step back. Even if the last quarter continues to feel meaningless, I need to always be assured that God is not bound by time, whichever perspective of time you take. His purposes cannot be measured by how meaningful my life is.
I know that it’s okay for adults to feel melancholic at times. I shouldn’t feel this bad about drowning in a bit of melancholy, because I’m only human.
But I really didn’t expect it today (It’s only my third week on the job). And I didn’t expect that it came out the way it did (Adults don’t start weeping for no reason in a train full of people, right?).
Anyway. I felt stuck. I felt like my life was going to waste while I’m stuck in a cubicle counting down the minutes till I can switch the computer off and go home. And I started to cry. On. The. Train.
Just when I thought my embarrassing teenage years were far behind me.
I’m tired, kinda exhausted. I’ll mull it over some other day and try to work it out. For now, I think I need some me-time and some rest.