For now

Inconsequential

My books got here last Monday and there’s much happiness and excitement surrounding them. I really should have blogged last week so that the joy of receiving my books wouldn’t be dampened by the events of this week… ‘cos today I really just need to rant. I think I have bottled so much up and can’t really find anyone to talk to. It’s always that same problem, isn’t it? Everyone has their problems and I don’t want to add to theirs or make it seem like mine is worse. I know it’s such a self-centred way of thinking because truth is, people are often more willing to hear me out than I gave them credit for. I guess I’m just not in a very good place right now.

Writing has saved me many times, and as I write this, I cannot deny that it still does. It’s such a relief to see my thoughts, feelings, everything on paper/screen/napkin and realise I’m not going mad. Time and again, the past has shown me that this will pass. I just need to trust the process. I need to get it out.

On Saturday, a fellow teacher-volunteer shared with me that she was leaving her job… to “do her thing”. She talked about all the things she wanted to do when she finally had time and I was really happy for her. I warned her about the potential feelings of inadequacy and the loss of identity, and she was glad to hear about this rarely-talked-about side of quitting your job and being on your own. She thanked me and asked how I did it. After the conversation, I sat there thinking about how I didn’t really have anyone to talk to when I first left my job to “do my thing”. I couldn’t talk to stay-home moms (hey, looking after a kid is more than a full-time job). I couldn’t talk to real entreprenuers because… um, they have real businesses while I’m just writing a book. I know I know, it’s a self-esteem issue. But those feelings of inadequacy are real, and many times, the fear just eats me up. To those in full-time jobs, I was living a dream. They envied me. But I felt so lost most of the time, I didn’t know if what I was doing was correct and how I should be managing all these negative feelings. In turn, I envied them for their regular paychecks and paid medical consultations. “But you had those and you left them behind to pursue THIS, why are you looking back?!” my mind would shout at me.

I’ve actually got over those feelings and I’ve been really content and happy for a long while now. But I think some of those feelings and negativity are being re-visited this week. I’m emotional, I think the book I wrote is rubbish, and I’m so, so tired.

The tummyache started last Thursday after I wolfed down three-quarters of a bag of chips. (It probably sounds like a bad idea to you but I do it all the time and, no problem.) The pain continued on until Sunday, with diarrhoea and lots of gas each day. It was not pleasant. The ache became less severe by Monday, and that made me happy, but by night-time, I developed a sore throat. I started feeling the first twinge of anger. First, stomach gas pains and now, this itchy pain in my throat? Instead of sleeping, I stayed up guzzling water and sucking on lozenges. I was bent on getting rid of the pain. I slept in the next morning and felt better when I woke up. I was looking forward to getting some work done and did manage to until I had to stop because I was getting a bad headache. I then also realised it was the time of the month. I was getting some mild cramps in the abdomen and I knew I shouldn’t push my body further so I headed to bed earlier than I had planned. On Wednesday, when I woke up, I got ready to work but the cramps became severe and I had to lay in bed. I also postponed an appointment I had that afternoon. By late afternoon, the cramps were so bad and the pain unbearable I popped panadol. I woke up today with mild cramps and after trying to make lunch for myself without bending over in pain, my husband sent me to bed with pillows and a book. The pain eventually subsided in the late afternoon and I could finally sit at my computer to do some work and also, write this. During certain moments throughout this past week while I lay in bed wishing the pain away, I wondered about people who live with pain every day of their lives. How do they manage the pain and their emotions? I have various pains for just a week, and it’s driving me insane. I haven’t been able to get much work done, I can’t go out of the house, I can’t do anything except lie in bed (and check emails on my phone). There is a full-day workshop tomorrow which I had signed up for and was very much looking forward to, but I’m so beaten that I don’t feel like going for it. What is wrong with me?

Perhaps it was that phone call I had this afternoon, where the girl informed me that if I were an organisation, the company would likely have no problems sponsoring their products for the book launch. But since this was a “personal book launch, if you don’t mind me saying” (her exact words), she will have to check with her team.

I’m a nobody. Thanks for the reminder.

I know I’m taking it the wrong way, I’m just tired. Let me be, for now.

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We’re back from our 2.5 week trip!

Inconsequential

And it’s already February! It’s the second month of the year, already?! In 10 days, it’d be Chinese New Year, and before we know it, it’d be March. Whew.

R and I arrived in Singapore last Thursday after visiting Cambodia and Thailand. I think we enjoyed being on the road but we’re also glad to be home.

I started playing a mobile game, and it’s been consuming a fair bit of my time. Not very wise, since I have a number of deadlines to meet, but this is my first time being addicted to a game so cut me some slack?

Adapting, learning, flying

Inconsequential

It’s the third week now and tomorrow, we’re leaving for Myanmar. I’m doing a number of different things and the days are starting to blur into one another. I figure I should jot down my thoughts before I start feeling like I haven’t accomplished anything this past week.

I’ve been fixing the items I got from IKEA. Last Friday, I cleared the study room and put together two desks. Fixing those desks was hard work. On Tuesday, I put up aluminium shelving units in the utility room and tidied the space.

Work wise, I’m also filing online stories and pitching ideas to more publications. On Monday, I attended a Personal Branding workshop. It was more to support R but it was a good opportunity to network anyway. Interestingly, I met a lady there who is an advocate for those with dementia, and another lady who is a mother of a child with autism. I will probably arrange to meet each of them when I’m back from Myanmar, if they are willing.

I will have the house, specifically the kitchen, cleaned by today so that our vacant apartment will not be attracting unwanted visitors. I also need to pack my luggage. The time this week has simply flown by and I can’t believe it’s already Thursday.

The Last Quarter

Inconsequential

October is a week away. Time seems to have slipped out of my grasp. Is it work? Is it my ill-discipline? Or is it simply that time cannot and should not be controlled?

I’m exhausted. Many days I wake up and feel that all the rushing and working seem meaningless.

Earlier this year, my concept of time was challenged. I have always viewed time as linear. I’m sure many people have the same perspective as me. It’s why there’s a thing called the timeline, right?

But I found out that some people don’t view time like this and thus manage their time and consequently their money in a way that is very different from me. Money is a different ball game here, so let’s get back to time. Since I view time as linear, I have unknowingly created a timeline in my head. I say unknowingly, because prior to this, I have never tried explaining my concept of time before. This conversation certainly made me more aware of my thought processes. So on this mental timeline, there are yet-to-happen events placed at certain points in the future. I like knowing when things are going to happen so I can prepare for them. And this works when I’m single and can make plans independent of others. But it doesn’t work so well when I’m going to get married and the person I’m marrying does not view time in the same way.

We’re both learning to adapt to each other’s way of living life and that’s again another topic for another day. For now, I ponder over my need to have every single second count for something. Is it simply due to my linear perspective of time? Or maybe it’s impatience and pride and self-importance?

When I start to consider the other perspective of time, where events occur in relation instead of in time, I realise that it takes things out of my control. I’m not used to that. I very much prefer things to be within my control. But realistically speaking, how much of things are actually within my control?

Maybe I need to take a step back. Even if the last quarter continues to feel meaningless, I need to always be assured that God is not bound by time, whichever perspective of time you take. His purposes cannot be measured by how meaningful my life is.

A Dose of Melancholy

Inconsequential

I know that it’s okay for adults to feel melancholic at times. I shouldn’t feel this bad about drowning in a bit of melancholy, because I’m only human.

But I really didn’t expect it today (It’s only my third week on the job). And I didn’t expect that it came out the way it did (Adults don’t start weeping for no reason in a train full of people, right?).

Anyway. I felt stuck. I felt like my life was going to waste while I’m stuck in a cubicle counting down the minutes till I can switch the computer off and go home. And I started to cry. On. The. Train.

Just when I thought my embarrassing teenage years were far behind me.

I’m tired, kinda exhausted. I’ll mull it over some other day and try to work it out. For now, I think I need some me-time and some rest.