I find myself looking back on the past every now and then. Since I’m in a different church now, I don’t see my friends at the church I used to attend that often anymore. Just few weeks ago, I caught myself thinking this: If only I have a community here, like that back in my church.
I had probably thought this a couple of times before and my past resolve to “Let’s build a community” or “Let’s start something” was probably partly due to this thought. I just never realised it before. This was the first time that I caught myself thinking about it and being aware of it. And it seemed like it was because the Holy Spirit was revealing to me my true motivations.
I started to really think about the times I had with my group of friends back then – when I saw them at church every week, when we would all go for lunch, when we met for cell, and when we went off for retreat together every year. And I realised that there were many times I had been unhappy about something, pissed, upset, disappointed and I had secretly wished to be in a different community. I saw the deficits and wanted something better.
Now that I am no longer a regular member of that community, I miss being with them and wish I could meet them more often.
(I’m such a terrible human being.)
But I learnt something… That’s who God is. He doesn’t reveal something to us to make us feel bad or guilty (like realising how self-serving my desire was), He does it so that we learn something. And He reveals it at the right time so that we draw closer to Him.
So I learnt that I simply need to cherish the place I’m currently at. Stop wishing for something better, stop feeling sorry for myself, and start living in the here and now.
It sounds so simple but honestly, it has never really been who I was. In many parts of my life, I was constantly looking either to the past or to someone else’s life. I was always comparing and feeling dissatisfied with what I had.
When I realised this, the Holy Spirit opened my eyes to see that I do have a community here. In fact, I meet them every week. I was trying to look for a community I wanted when God had already put these people on the same path as me. There are only a few of us and although I used to think the group was getting too small, I now see that it’s a great size for building stronger relationships.
Before this, I have been asking God how we can build a community. And I believe God is now answering, “Right here. They are right here.”